guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
