apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
