I could make wine with my vomit
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
