Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
