Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
