No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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