after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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