I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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