Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He shit in the fireplace
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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