I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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