I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
