I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
