We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Let's get the cat blown out
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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