Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
