Your face is a jimmy john
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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