Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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