you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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