Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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