You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
