Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
even my farts smell like vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
