You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
