God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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