My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
