YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
