ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
