i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
