Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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