My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
