I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
