The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Are we still banned from the library?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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