The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
