I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
