Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
