I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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