i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
