Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
