i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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