from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
