Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
