And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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