dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
