Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
