Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
