Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
