I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
