I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
