Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
