Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
