my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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