i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
