A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
