I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
