I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
